What the Hell...?

Perhaps it has something to do with my aikido practice taking up nearly half of my short life thus far, which, by comparison, is a lot longer than the time I've spent doing zazen or iai. Perhaps not. Perhaps it's just blind luck that one day I'm feeling really good about my training (be it aiki, iai, sitting on the toilet, whatever), but the next day I feel like I've been hit by a bus and want to never ever put on a keiko-gi again. Who knows. Maybe I should just stop trying so hard like the Bucho says, but nothing seems to click now in aikido, which is really ironic since it's usually nothing that clicks in my iai training.

The past week happened to be some kind of paradoxical coalescence of several major (in the grand scheme of things, minor) milestones in my budo training. First, my posture finally fell into place in zazen. That doesn't mean I can keep it, or that I don't adjust as my sitting sessions wear on, but it's become much easier for me to "just sit" and let my mind do all the struggling. It took a year, but I can finally really begin to sit for extended periods without thinking about the sharp stabbing sensations in my lower back.

In iai, I finally figured out how to cut yokoichi. It was effortless when I finally did it this morning. I joined Hataya sensei's dojo last weekend, and even though they only let me cut kesa when I train with them, when I have the opportunity to cut with mugai folks, I'm free to mess around and cut any-which-way I want. Just watching one Toyama-ryu class was enough to get me on the right track to cutting with clean hasuji. Thank the lord. Now I can actually TRAIN and worry about cutting on the draw, which is what mugai is all about.

Nothing new in aikido. In fact, if there was anything to report, it would be that my ukemi is getting worse. I'm losing confidence in my ability to be a hara-responsive uke. It's frustrating... really really frustrating. Again, like the Bucho says, maybe I'm trying too hard, but every time I go to the dojo, I hit a new wall. Is this what getting better is all about? Finding flaws that were there all along but were undetectable because yours truly is just an unaware moron? Maybe so. Where's Yoda when you need him?